Today is officially Wednesday, November 11th. I have been abroad for just about two months. Two months. That's ludicrous. I don't feel as though it has been two months, and not necessarily because "time flies when you're having fun." (I do believe that to be true, and I have been having fun.. but not all the time) The question I face now is, where has time gone, and what have I honestly been doing with it?
Where has time gone? I'm not quite sure. Some days pass tortuously slow. Other days zoom by with the quickest of ease. What have I been doing with my time? School seems to preoccupy most of my time. I find it truly interesting that I don't feel as though I have learned an extraordinary amount in school, despite practically living there. It could be because I have taken most of the classes prior to coming here. It could be because the educational system here is not conducive to my learning style (which is a pity...). I haven't taken the initiative to really explore my surroundings. I've fallen in step with the same old routines. I need to explore this city. I have not yet gone to a champagne house- which I've come to realize as a waste of an opportunity. I'm in the biggest city of the Champagne region. Why haven't I been to a champagne cave yet? Why haven't I been inside the huge and gorgeous cathedral? Why haven't I done a legitimate day of photography? I haven't done any traveling yet, although that is to come quite soon. I feel like I've dug myself into a rut of patterns. It's time to break free from my patterns in order to maximize my remaining time here. I need to see more, experience more- the only thing preventing me from doing that is myself.
This weekend, I vow to take a day for exploration. I will go to a champagne house. I will go inside the cathedral. I will find a tiny little bakery where locals seem to flock and pick something out to eat that I've never had before. Weather permitting, I'll have a photography day. I vow to unrut myself.
Two months. I still cannot quite believe it. I am curious as to if I've changed significantly yet. I know I will during this year-long experience, but to what extent? I think that due to my past, needing to mature into an adult at a much earlier age than most, I've already found myself. I'm not sure that living abroad will be a groundbreaking experience on that front. Of course, self-discovery will happen. We change all the time. However, I know who I am, and have known for quite some time. I know my priorities. I know my values. I know what I consider important. I know what I like to do for myself- I'm capable of recognizing my own patterns and changing them before they become habitual. I consider myself highly self-aware and confident. So what then will I discover about myself? So far, I've discovered one thing that trumps all other discoveries, yet is in no way a novel concept to me:
I love my family more than anything, and I want to be close to them.
Reading this, I'm sure you're thinking: well, here comes the first bout of homesickness. Well.. not really. Here's why: At this point in time, I have no tangible home to go back to, as my dad has moved in with a friend. I've learned throughout life that home, as corny as it may sound, really is where the heart is. My heart, and home, is with my dad. It always has been. Wherever he goes, I call it home. I never stopped to realize that my entire family, literally, is in Rhode Island. I miss my cousins, my grandma, my sister. While I am for the most part enjoying immensely living abroad, I know, and have always known, that this could never be a long-term deal. I simply cannot be this far away from the people I love most- it feels wrong.
And so, my entry containing actual substantial material has turned quite heavy, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I think the best thing to do is for me to go lay down for a bit, and maybe continue to write tomorrow. If not, some other day when it feels right.
Much love to you. I'd love to hear from you if you have the chance.
Dena
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