At the ripe age of 23, I find myself still experiencing firsts. Today, for the first time in my life, I went to the cinema to watch a movie by myself. It was the best decision that I've made in a long time.
I had been yearning to see Woody Allen's latest movie "Midnight in Paris" for a while now. To much disappointment, most of my friends had already seen it. Some loved it, some hated it. Their opinions didn't phase me though, for my desire to see this film has relentlessly teased me each time I pass a cinema or billboard.
I do not particularly wish to write a movie review, for I am under-qualified and frankly couldn't be bothered. Is "Midnight in Paris" Allen's finest production according to critics? Most likely, it is not. To me, however, this movie struck my core.
I've been ignoring this blog for a while now, using "being busy" as an excuse. Truth be told, I've been uninspired. I was sick of writing about my mundane daily activities, or the places that I traveled to. I felt no desire to share the course of my life events with you because quite frankly, life has become somewhat of a routine. Go to school, do some work, finish school, move to Paris, be anxious about the uncertainties of life and where I'm headed, apply for jobs, be confused about myself...
Until now.
As I write this now, my eyes well with tears. Never have I felt so at home in a place where I have nothing that binds me. I have no family here, no job, soon to have no visa. I've made some friends over the past two years, granted. However, from my experiences, friendships can be everlasting, or relative to a certain point in your life. As sad as this might seem, I know that many of the friendships I currently have will be lost two changing lifestyles and lack of communication. It is a sad reality that I am faced with, and has started to haunt me over the past few weeks as I live alone in my lovely studio next to the Luxembourg Gardens. I've been going about my daily routine, lost in a city that I knew I once loved, unsure if it still loved me and I it.
Paris will forever be my city of wonder and uncertainty, of mystery and cliché, of confidence and doubt, and above all, of love. If I recall correctly, I once blogged about the movie "Paris, je t'aime" and how in one vignette, an aging American single post-women is trapped in a life of loneliness. One day, while sitting in a park, she realizes that while she does not have a significant other to love or share experiences or feelings with, Paris, this marvelous city that moves my entire being, loves her, and she loves it.
I cannot accurately describe what this city does to me, or why she affects my soul so strongly. While I sometimes feel so lost in this condensed city of scowling, thin Parisians, Hausmann-style apartments cloistered together on nautilus-shaped, nonsensical streets, and the lingering smell of cigarette smoke and freshly baked baguettes that is magically disgusting and wonderful, I know that in the deepest part of my being, my heart truly and undoubtedly is in Paris.
As I sat in the tiny theater just around the corner from my house, watching the 2pm showing of Midnight in Paris, a rush of emotions took over me. Tears pricked my eyes as I watched scenes shot in the neighborhoods I've come to know and discover. While the storyline is whimsical and fantastical, the fantasy is somewhat my reality. In the movie, the protagonist is an author, and dreams of living in Paris in the 20's. While I am neither author nor painter, and am fully aware that I will not be able to visit a different period in time, the message in the movie is clear and true to me. You do what you want to do, and you live in the place that makes you feel like nowhere else can.
Like the protagonist in the movie, I know where I belong. That place is, and will always be, Paris.
Welcome home.
